Let me start out by saying I don’t trust any grocery store that doesn’t sell Oreos. I love my gluten, and I have never eaten a seaweed chip in my life. However, I can understand why Whole Foods Market is the place to be for millions of Americans. Their produce is absolutely gorgeous, the in-store cafe pumps out fantastically overpriced entrees and the unlimited variety of goat’s milk products available? No contest. But the best part of Whole Foods? The men. I mean, come on ladies and gents. It’s an utter smorgasbord of free-range, grass-fed boys in that place. If you’re looking for a man, look no further. I’m here with the definitive list of men you’ll find at what I like to call, “Disneyland for those with dietary restrictions.”
The Hipster Guy
Best place to search for this man is the bike rack in the front of the store, because he’s surely trying to minimize his carbon footprint. He’s got a burlap knapsack slung over his shoulder and reeks of weed. Evidenced by his bike’s “Shop Local” sticker, we already know that his basket is full of locally sourced products only. There are many subcategories of The Hipster Guy, ranging from the quirky artist to the yogi to the tech start-up entrepreneur, but all are sure of one thing—they are less mainstream, more cultured and WAY cooler than you are.
The “But It’s From Whole Foods!” Guy
This guy is a little too overweight, shiny and has a basket full of soda, frozen pizzas, cookies, and Amy’s frozen bean and cheese burritos. He has never set foot in the produce section and couldn’t tell you the difference between arugula and romaine, but assures himself that spending $102 on eight items is worth it because it’s from Whole Foods. So it’s healthy… right?
The Guy Who Hangs Out At The Whole Foods Bar
A special breed, this gent calls his buddies on a Wednesday night and says, “Meet me at the bar! . . . in Whole Foods.” His friends then throw on their cuffed jeans, slick back the tops of their hair (the sides are, of course, shaved) and head out for a wild night of drinking expensive IPAs in tiny cups. They might even get really crazy and walk around the store discussing the latest local brewery. At the end of the night, he purchases a couple specialty, hop-tastic six packs to take home and force onto his Shiner-drinking roommate. Finding this guy is easy, just follow the stench of wheat and barley.
The “Whatcha Buyin’?” Guy
I’m not sure why this dude even goes to the store, because he never buys anything. He is usually found strolling the aisles aimlessly, only stopping to try and start up discussions with cute women about the contents of their cart. The most dedicated version of this guy can be found dazzling the ladies at the bulk counter by showing off his vast knowledge of the usage, price and fair-trade practices of exclusive, imported cinnamon.
The Guy Whose Wife Sent Him To Whole Foods
This man is straight up lost. Unfortunately he’s already taken, but damn if his total confusion isn’t SO cute. “Excuse me, um. Is there a store directory?” Sorry buddy. It’s a pretty special club here and you just have to be thrown to the wolves. “But what the hell is sprouted grain bread? Why is it named after a Bible verse? And why is it not in the bread aisle?!?!” Poor dude would never guess he should be looking for Ezekiel 4:9 in the frozen section. And frankly, watching his frustration grow is so adorable we’re not telling him any time soon.
The Guy Who Swears He’s Gluten Intolerant
One percent of the population has Celiac disease. This guy is totally not one of them. But gluten-free is in, and everyone loves a man with special needs.
The Lumberjack Guy
Prep yourself, because this scruffy dude is hot as fresh maple syrup on a pancake. Donned in plaid and hair everywhere, he is basket free and carries all his groceries in his sinewy arms, muscular as hell from chopping wood for his tiny-home fireplace in the woods. Just kidding, he lives in a corporate apartment complex, but it’s fun to look like the Brawny man and it drives the ladies crazy.
The Fit Guy
Three words. Protein. Powder. Supplements. This gentleman doesn’t need meat. He gets all his sustenance from a bottle of chalky, pea flavored powders mixed in his morning smoothie. While he waits for his $8 cold pressed juice to be made at the juice bar, he shows off his abundance of underarm hair by flaunting a spandex tank top through the vitamin aisles. Though don’t bother approaching him if you’re not wearing yoga pants and fresh ass Nikes.
The Guy Who Stopped On His Way Home, Only To Be Sorely Disappointed
This everyman was on his way home from work and realized he needs a few things for dinner. Though he never normally shops at Whole Foods, he was in a hurry and just stopped in real quick. You will find him frustratingly strolling the confusing aisle layout looking for normal stuff, but much to his dismay not finding it. Pressed for time and eager to leave the overwhelming smell of sandalwood that’s wafting from the health and beauty section, he’s a hard one to catch, so act quickly. He’s surprisingly normal, pretty attractive and fucking pissed off that there are no Oreos. Ladies and gentlemen, if you’re looking for a man in Whole Foods to date, this guy is by far the only acceptable one.